I have been thinking about doing this for a while, closing the blog down that is. Its served its purpose for me. Originally it was to keep family and friends updated with our appointments during my pregnancy with Connor, then it became my place to let out my grief.
Grief? Now how is that going? I find at times things go well....then something will bring it up all over again and the hurt is again just like it was yesterday.
This past week has been particularly tough. We have been busy renovating, which in itself is not easy when you have a 5 year old, 3 year old and a 5 month old baby. Then in the middle of that, my oldest baby started school. Another reality hits home sad moment. I also found with him starting school, being the "new" school mum, I was meeting new people again. Well out of my depth. Facing that fear of talking to new people and facing the same questions I dread for fear of any bad reactions. Then last week I had a phone interview for a parenting magazine about my different birthing experiences. The interview went for a whole hour and we talked about all 4 of my birthing experiences. Particularly my pregnancy and birth with Connor and how his birth and death shaped my need for a set birth plan and for things to go well with Reuben's arrival. The writer then asked me to email her 6 photos, and going through the photos I realised how similar my kids all were as tiny babies. I saw bits of Connor in each of them. It brought up so many emotions that I had already put to bed and thought I had dealt with. Having another baby certainly does not ever replace the one that died, and that was never my intentions. Those that have not walked in my shoes, I would hope they too would not think Reuben has replaced Connor and that all is healed. It doesnt get better, it doesnt get easier, time does not heal all.....I just get better at hiding it. And sometimes, I'm not so good at hiding it and hope that I would get some support from family and or friends. One thing that time does do is puts distance between myself and Connor and also puts distance between those around me. Its easier for others to heal because he wasnt their child, he is my child. A mother never forgets about her child, so ofcourse I wouldnt forget about mine. Would you? Something I do need to realise is though that people tire very quickly of hearing the same thing over again. Yep my baby died! Yep I am sad as all freaking gettup, and nope the pain aint going away....and there isnt a bloody thing I can do about it. I can go to bed, cry, sleep it off, wake up.....ground hog day! Its still there! So my baby died....we all get that! People dont want to hear it anymore, they stop being supportive, they stop listening, they stop being there for you, and one by one they all dwindle away. Please dont take this as being directed at anyone, it is merely a generalisation. If the roles were reversed I probably wouldnt have the patience to sit and listen to me either.
This October marks Connor's 2nd Birthday and the plan was to celebrate wih family and friends by holding a cupcake fundraiser for Heartkids. I have realised that I am not ready to do this yet so we have put it on hold. It takes a lot of support to carry something like this out, and its not something I feel I can do at this point in time.
Its also August, which means this blog turns 2 at the end of the month. However, I am making this my last post and signing off on the blog for good. Any further posts on my grief would only be going around in circles and its now time to do this privately to avoid judgement, if any, and like I said earlier, people dont want to hear it anymore. I'm done....in more ways than one........done!
Many many thanks to those who have shown their love and support over the last two years, and to the babyloss mums whom I have met through the blogging world, thank-you for sharing your stories with me and making me feel less alone xxx
Writing Connor's Name
I have seen other babyloss mama's do this on their blog and it is such a beautiful way to remember their lost loved ones. So I have something I would like to ask no matter where you are around the country or around the world. If you think of us and Connor, would you write his name? It can be written in so many ways, in the sand, out of nursery blocks, in snow or ice, out of sticks or leaves or any other imaginative way that you can think of. Take a photo of it and email it to me at c_m_sartain@hotmail.com and I will post it in the blog. Thank you so much xxx
 from Connor's Aunty Lizzie, South Australia  from Kristy, Western Australia  from Jo, in Adelaide, South Australia  from Mel, South Australia    from Fleur, Carnarvon, Western Australia  from Laura, New South Wales  from Hayley, Victoria  from Kirra, Western Australia  from Jules, New South Wales  from Demelza, Alice Springs  from The Barlow Family, Victoria  from Pauline, Western Australia  from Deb, Victoria  from Caz & Flynn, Northern Territory  from Jenni, Central Queensland  from Roxanne, NSW  from Leigh, Queensland  from Lindy in Zanzibar, Africa |
Cindy, your journey is an inspirational one and it's so sad that you're closing this chapter. You've allowed people to share in your most private moments and grief and for that I am certain there are many grateful people.
ReplyDeleteYou have no doubt helped a lot of other people who are going through loss. You've helped me, even though my loss was not the same as yours... your words helped me greatly. Thank you.
This chapter may be closed, but your journey won't end. Connor lives on in your heart and soul and will until the end of time.
The very best of luck to you xxx
I know what you mean Cindy - I'm just repeating myself at this point as well. I love her, I miss her, and it still hurts every day that she's not here.
ReplyDeleteYou made me feel less alone right from the start. Thank you for listening to me as well. I'll remember Connor with you - I can't believe it'll be two years in October since they were here.
Maddie x
Beautifully written Cindy. Your TRUE friends will ALWAYS be here to listen and will never get tired of listening. Yes, you lost Connor, but it is ok to talk about him. He WAS here, he lived for 25 hours. He was a gorgeous little boy that will NEVER be forgotten x
ReplyDeleteNot everyone is tired of hearing about Connor. He is a permanent part of you and your family. Perhaps in the chaos of children when we meet up, he doesn't get mentioned and that needs to change. When I think of you and your family it is always Tim Cindy Deacon Isla Connor and Reuben.
ReplyDeleteCheryl x