Where was my angel???

After the exhaustion of Christmas, I fell into bed and started to flick through the channels on the tv last night. I stumbled across this movie. I had no idea what it was about and wasnt really sure if I wanted to watch it, but it was one of those movies that just sucks you right in and you have to watch it. I didnt even know what it was called until I searched through the online tv guide to discover it was called "Skellig". It stared the actor Tim Roth from the tv series "Lie to me". I had no idea where this movie was going, but just kept watching. It started out that it was about a young boy who,with his pregnant mother and his father, move house. The boy discovers what he thinks is a homeless man living in the garden shed. He's scared at first but then discovers he's hungry and isnt well so brings him food from the house. At the same time he also befriends a local girl his age and he shares the secret of this homeless man living in his garden shed. They decide to move him somewhere safe, a water tower that kind of looks like a castle. They discover he has these tattered looking wings protruding out of his back. Through this time the boys mother goes into labour prematurely and has a baby girl which is very sick. Both the young boy and girl continue to take care of this homeless man with wings and bring him food, wash him and give him vitamins etc to make his wings grow and help him get better. The boy asks the man what is he. He simply replys "I am very old, as old as the earth". The boy also has a gash on his hand about the time the homeless man asks the boy and girl to hold his hand and they circle and gravitate upwards for a few feet. When they all collapse on the floor the boy looks at his hand and realises he has been healed. The boy then discovers his baby sister is very ill and needs surgery for a heart problem, realising there is a very real possibility she will die. Alarm bells are ringing for me by this stage, do I want to watch any further. May baby had a severe heart problem, only he DID died? So do I keep watching? Too late! Already sucked in! The boy races to see Skellig and begs him to go visit his baby sister and heal her. He says no, that he cant save her. He begs Skellig to fly there, he knows he can fly and knows he can heal. With no sign that Skellig will help his baby sister, the boy stands on the roof of the water tower in front of Skellig and leaps off. Just in the nic of time, Skellig scoops him up and they fly through the sky until the boy passes out from either height or magical powers, I'm not sure which. The next scene shows the boy waking up in a field and the girl asking him whats happened. You then see Skellig landing on the roof and walking in to the hospital. As he walks through his magical powers make people look away and doors open before him making him undetectable to others. He walks to the crib where the baby sister is and sees the mother sitting in the chair. She looks at him then goes to sleep. Of course you can guess what happens next! Skellig picks up the baby sister and heals her. It was surprisingly a very sweet movie with a happy ending. But it made me feel bitter inside. Where was my angel when Connor needed help? We had Connor for 25 hours and we needed nothing short of a miracle to have him survive. If life were like the movies, I wish that an angel had've walked in and saved my little guy. Perhaps I didnt look hard enough in my garden shed, or I was too vigilant in locking my shed so he went to next doors instead. How much time does an angel need to heal a helpless babys heart? After all we had 25 hours! We know the cardiolgists, perinatologists and intensivists all tried, and I am so grateful for everything they did for Connor. But it wasnt enough. I say to my husband often we only had 25 hours with him. To be precise going by his death certificate, we had only 1 day, 1 hour and 1 minute. It will never be enough time for me. I had to cram a lifetime of love into that short space of time. But my husband says its 25 hours more than we may have got if the events hadnt unfolded as they did the day he was born. My husbands glass is half full, whilst mine is half empty....... much like my heart. So I ask again, where was my angel when I needed one??? I really could have done with an angel that day.

Christmas???

Christmas? What do I think of Christmas? I've gone to write this post so many times and end up rewriting it and then deleting it. Because at the end of the day I end up censoring myself as I dont want to hurt others feelings and then I just delete it full stop thinking that some things are just better left unsaid. But then when things are said that hurt, I think to myself well maybe there is a way I can educate if anything. Or maybe it just makes me feel better to get it off my chest!

So Christmas? What DO I really think? I actually love Christmas, especially since I have had my own babies. Now its about them and how I get to see their faces on Christmas morning. Its about eating a yummy breakfast and covering the lounge room floor in wrapping paper and playing with, I mean setting up their toys for them. A lot of preparation goes into making the day special for them. Then there is also a lot of effort that goes into getting organised to trek from one side of the city to the other to be with each of our respective families, one for lunch the other for tea.

Last year was so different for us. When Connor died a large piece of me died too. I didnt want to leave the house. I didnt want to see babies or pregnant women. I wanted to cry all the time. Instead I put on a fake smile and tried to make it happy for my own children. We did go to our respective families but avoided the crowds and went at opposing times. I felt that we were afforded a little respect but family didnt know what to say or how to treat us. We were the elephant in the middle of the room. The one that everyone stares at with frightened eyes, little do they know the elephant is really the one who is scared.

This year its different again. Its our second Christmas without Connor and we are 31 weeks pregnant. So we are all fixed right? I've had a whole year to get over "it" and being pregnant means I'm all fixed. There are new babies and we are expected to see them, smile, be happy for the parents, smile be happy for the baby celebrating its first Christmas. Watch all the gooing and gaaing and all the fuss that ensues. Its all very normal now. Except Connor is forgotten. He's not mentioned anymore. It upsets some, makes others uncomfortable, and just makes the rest of them in their words "sick". The silence can be deafening to a parent of a dead baby. But then, I'm fixed right? So where are my smiles? What makes me smile are opening up christmas cards and to see Connors name up there with ours. After all he is our family, always will be. What helps is having people treat us with respect and let us guide how we feel about these new additions. Those that have not put expectations on us. And yes there are people like this. They have been a real godsend in making life comfortable and a little easier. I am so lucky that I have two people like this in my life and they have been so respectful of my needs. I am enormously grateful for their continued support.

The actual day this year, I am dreading. I am looking forward to our own private time at home, just my husband, children and myself. But spending time with our respective families I am fearful of. Have they given us enough time? Have they given us enough space? Are we expected to be fixed? Or are we the elephants in the room again? What about the new babies? In all honesty I am very happy for those with their new bundles, but there is something many people dont understand is the fear of new babies once your own baby has died in your arms. Everybody seems to have their own idea as to what is good for us and what is not good for us, and that throwing a baby under our nose is going to desensitise us or cure us of our fears. Ummmmm.....wrong! We just ask for space and respect. Its not about their needs and wants, after all they arent the ones with the dead baby.....we are!

Something important I want to add about grief which has been taken from the SIDS & Kids newsletter. Its about grief and Christmas. I really wish that others could read this and perhaps gain some sort of understanding for others who are grieving. And by grieving I mean grieving the loss of a loved one whether its their baby, child, partner, parent or grandparent.

For many of us it is also the end of another busy year of work, family, study, school and then preparations for the holidays. This can be both demanding and stressful for even the most robust of families. Keep it simple and go with the flow.

Those who are grieving are only too aware of the hole in their lives and the pain in their hearts at this time. The prospect of social gatherings, lots of people, planning menus/meals and buying presents can seem very daunting.

Dont expect the grieving person to act or behave normally. Each day is a challenge already and the added burden or trigger of calendar events can reinforce the emotional stress and chaos already lurking within. Dont be surprised if they forget things, miss appointments, lose things, forget conversations or to pay a bill; say they will attend and then dont. Perhaps forget a birthday, dont return emails, phone calls or dont want the family over at Christmas.

Most importantly dont take it personally.
Grief needs to take its course whatever time of year it is.

I could not have said any of that better myself. I can identify with much what is written above, down to missing birthdays, not answering the phone and emails etc. After a certain period of time people expect that this will all stop and you are back to normal. The old/normal me died with Connor. A new kind of normal is now emerging for me. But lately I find that people are suddenly less tolerant over time, and less accepting of your mistakes or lackness. When the truth is they really dont know how you feel or what you are going through.

Christmas leaves me with mixed feelings since Connor's death. I still love seeing my other two children enjoying all that Christmas is, but then it brings sadness with all the disappointment and expectations. I wish life was different, but unfortunately its not. So I will see what the day brings and be excited and happy for my children and try to enjoy every moment of the entire day with them. The rest.....we will see how it goes.

For those out there grieving, I wish you a peaceful Christmas and hope that you are able to take some time for yourself, taking the day as gently as possible.

Another connection gone

Today we said goodbye to another connection. It might seem silly to others but to me it was one little connection with Connor and saying goodbye was a little harder than I thought. Our old car. We had to buy a new one in anticipation of the fact we might, just might actually need to fit two booster seats and a baby seat into a car and unfortunately our old just didnt fit the 3 of them, so we or should I say, I went to the government auctions back in August and we bought a new car which we love. I say I because my poor husband had to work and I was left to go and bid on this car with strict instructions to not go over budget. My god it was scarey, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to jump out of my mouth. The bidding was so fast and furious I didnt even know I had one for a few minutes until the lovely old man sitting next to me congratulated me on such a great buy. So our old car has importance to me because we bought it when master D was 6 months old, I brought Miss I home from hospital in it and was pregnant with Connor. It was the car that my husband drove me home from hospital empty handed when Connor died. Something I remember all to well. The feelings are so sharp and so painful. So I was a little more than sad to see it go today, but it had to be done. And I think our old Gertie has gone to a good home. The new family that bought her were lovely and came from our old town that we had moved to back in 2000 to start our working careers in. We knew many of the same people. Its a small world!
So its goodbye Gertie, and hello Harriet our new car...which just fits the 3 car seats in the back plus the dog in the boot. Fingers crossed we get to fill that car and Egore gets to come home with us in a little over 8 weeks time.
The pic above is of our new Harriet in all her glory just before we bought her

Christmas is once again coming

Life seems to be getting more busy and more crazy, but there is still this hole. Its a big one. Connor is still not here with us, and this will be our second Christmas without him. Only this year I will be 31 weeks pregnant and scared stiff that we are once again going through another long pregnancy to have another dead baby on our hands. At 27 weeks I had a small bleed which resulted in a rushed trip to the hospital, monitoring and examinations. Thankfully everything was ok and it looked like it was caused by my cervix rubbing due to a frantic mumma running across the road to beat the lights. Yeah, I know...it was stupid! I'm trying to slow up. But I guess keeping busy is a way of keeping my mind off things and passing the time. It makes the pregnancy go quicker. But keeping so busy means that often I dont notice baby Eogre moving. So now I have resorted to kick charts daily. I just want the next 8 or 9 weeks to fly by because I dont think I will be doing so well at the end of this pregnancy. I still cant see myself getting to hold a healthy, live baby. It just seems like the impossible dream. Deacon has been begging for us to set up the bassinette but I dont think I can bare to look at it sitting in my room empty for the next 8 or so weeks. I will surely go nuts! I really dont know how I am going to make it through to the end....I am absolutely terrified.

Through all of the rush of Christmas and the stress and worrying over this baby I always think of Connor. I miss him so much and find myself having moments where something triggers the tears, from a song or something someone says or even down to yesterday when my sister and I took the kids into the city to have their Santa photo taken and I had no idea where I wanted to go. We stood in the mall looked around and when I looked up the mall I saw this sign. It was like it just hit me in the face. In big bold letters it said "CONNOR". Unbelievable!!!! There is an actual mens clothing store called Connor! Not a day goes by when I dont think of Connor. Despite people thinking that because we are pregnant, I am healed, and that I have moved on....nooooooo. The pain doesnt ever go away. I'm still sad, still heartbroken and still lost without our Connor.

Earlier tonight I was reading some blogs and found this beautiful quote:

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.
-- Winnie the Pooh

Despite my smile, despite my silence, I will always miss Connor. I'll always be with him and I know he will always be with me.