The end.......

I have been thinking about doing this for a while, closing the blog down that is. Its served its purpose for me. Originally it was to keep family and friends updated with our appointments during my pregnancy with Connor, then it became my place to let out my grief.

Grief? Now how is that going? I find at times things go well....then something will bring it up all over again and the hurt is again just like it was yesterday.

This past week has been particularly tough. We have been busy renovating, which in itself is not easy when you have a 5 year old, 3 year old and a 5 month old baby. Then in the middle of that, my oldest baby started school. Another reality hits home sad moment. I also found with him starting school, being the "new" school mum, I was meeting new people again. Well out of my depth. Facing that fear of talking to new people and facing the same questions I dread for fear of any bad reactions. Then last week I had a phone interview for a parenting magazine about my different birthing experiences. The interview went for a whole hour and we talked about all 4 of my birthing experiences. Particularly my pregnancy and birth with Connor and how his birth and death shaped my need for a set birth plan and for things to go well with Reuben's arrival. The writer then asked me to email her 6 photos, and going through the photos I realised how similar my kids all were as tiny babies. I saw bits of Connor in each of them. It brought up so many emotions that I had already put to bed and thought I had dealt with. Having another baby certainly does not ever replace the one that died, and that was never my intentions. Those that have not walked in my shoes, I would hope they too would not think Reuben has replaced Connor and that all is healed. It doesnt get better, it doesnt get easier, time does not heal all.....I just get better at hiding it. And sometimes, I'm not so good at hiding it and hope that I would get some support from family and or friends. One thing that time does do is puts distance between myself and Connor and also puts distance between those around me. Its easier for others to heal because he wasnt their child, he is my child. A mother never forgets about her child, so ofcourse I wouldnt forget about mine. Would you? Something I do need to realise is though that people tire very quickly of hearing the same thing over again. Yep my baby died! Yep I am sad as all freaking gettup, and nope the pain aint going away....and there isnt a bloody thing I can do about it. I can go to bed, cry, sleep it off, wake up.....ground hog day! Its still there! So my baby died....we all get that! People dont want to hear it anymore, they stop being supportive, they stop listening, they stop being there for you, and one by one they all dwindle away. Please dont take this as being directed at anyone, it is merely a generalisation. If the roles were reversed I probably wouldnt have the patience to sit and listen to me either.

This October marks Connor's 2nd Birthday and the plan was to celebrate wih family and friends by holding a cupcake fundraiser for Heartkids. I have realised that I am not ready to do this yet so we have put it on hold. It takes a lot of support to carry something like this out, and its not something I feel I can do at this point in time.

Its also August, which means this blog turns 2 at the end of the month. However, I am making this my last post and signing off on the blog for good. Any further posts on my grief would only be going around in circles and its now time to do this privately to avoid judgement, if any, and like I said earlier, people dont want to hear it anymore. I'm done....in more ways than one........done!

Many many thanks to those who have shown their love and support over the last two years, and to the babyloss mums whom I have met through the blogging world, thank-you for sharing your stories with me and making me feel less alone xxx

A busy month

It feels like its been forever since my last blog post. I dont want to forget about this place because its where I come to write about my life after Connor, the bad bits and the good bits even though there havent been too many of those over the last two years. Recently life changed again since Reuben's birth. At first there was this major upheavel of emotions that were just not pretty. It was something I couldnt discuss with people because they just didnt get. To the professionals who didnt know me, it was "post natal depression", to others I wasnt coping and was ungrateful....but to the few that did get me, I found support. My counsellor said it was delayed grief, and I believe she was right. Its very hard to put in to words except that I had a heavy feeling of sadness from the end of the first week after Reubens arrival until he was about 3 weeks old. Then life started to kick in and the clouds slowly started to lift. My husband went back to work and I suddenly had a 5 year old, 3 year old and a 3 week old to look after on my own. Its been a huge adjustment, and I am still learning. Even though its been crazy, hectic and difficult at times, we are having some fun times too. It feels like the sun is finally starting to shine. Reuben is smiling at us and our hearts just melt, we cant help it but smile back.
Over the last few weeks we have been so busy with Miss I turning 3, and then Easter. So here is my update in pics. Excuse the photo quality, we bought ourselves a new camera and I'm still learning how to use it. A photgraphy course is in the pipeline over the next few months, so stay tuned for better photos.

Our sleeping Reubi. He sleeps best in someones arms, whether its mine, my husbands or my sisters....he aint fussy! So long as he is being cuddled to sleep

Miss I turned 3

My latest love.....3 year old tantrums!!!

The kids had a ball making chocolates for Easter, which THEY ate!!!!

The kids enjoyed a family Easter Egg hunt

Then the Easter Bunny came to our house

And wasnt he oh so cute!

Then we had a family Easter feast with my parents, sister & brother in law and my two neices. It was my first time hosting an Easter Sunday lunch and due to my coeliac disease, all the food was gluten free...but definately not taste free!The cake is an almond meal chocolate cake with a chocolate ganache. It contains 500grams of chocolate in total! NOM!!!! And my sister made those delicious gluten free cupcakes

Easter is no fun without dressing the baby up like an Easter Egg/ Easter Bunny

My husband thinks we have a kilo too many chocolates hanging around after Easter so I made this pretty display in the kitchen. Problem is, everytime I walk in the kitchen I find myself diving into the chocolate jars

Apples, apples and more apples! My parents in law have an abundance of these juicy apples and we scored a couple of boxes, so I've been busy peeling them to stew and freeze for baking through this coming winter. I love apple crumble on a cold winters night!

Cooking! I love it and have been trying some fun ways to get the kids to eat their meals. This is a shepherds pie I made with our Easter roast left overs. This was Isla's plate...she wanted to eat it before I could even get a photo of it. So this was the best I could do

And here is our little hero Super Reubi!

And because I am usually behind the camera, here is one of me with a sleeping Reuben, dont mind the mess....its a rare and impromptu moment

Just can't get enough

Its been over 7 weeks since our precious Reuben arrived, and to put it simply...we just cant get enough of him. The kids fight over him and push each other out of the way to get his attention and win a smile, its crazy! I seem to relish the time I spend with him day and night, nothing is too much trouble. People ask me if he is a good sleeper and I always answer with "Yes....in my arms!" And I usually have a big smile on my face. Only thing is my neck is getting a bit sore from staring at him in my arms all the time. I have found the last 7 weeks have flown by. He is smiling all the time now and is gaining so much weight. I seem to be feeding him constantly and am quite busy with the older two running from kindy drop offs and pick ups to various appointments, and also...dare I say it, squeezing in shopping as well. Shopping with the 3 kids seems to be quite a novelty for the general public, which usually leads to the enevitable hurt. Last weeks grocery shop went smoothly with Reuben in the carrier, the almost 3 year old in the shopping trolley and the charming 5 year old given the job of following instructions and collecting items off the shelf for me and putting it in the shopping trolley. Worked a treat! Only we got comments from a few old busy bodies "Oh you have your hands full dont you?". Then one man said after the usual "You have your hands full" that I didnt leave much gap between kids......I just shot him a fake smile and walked away, whilst I was really tearing up inside. There is a gap....a BIG one! I notice the gap every day between Isla and Reuben. Its one that leaves me with so many questions - if Connor WAS here, would Reuben be here? If Connor was here...then MAYBE my hands would really be full after all. I dont know? Its a real mine field....it still makes me sad and is really doing my head in at times. We are so in love with Reuben, and he has brought us and will continue to bring us so much happiness....but everyday we still miss our little guy Connor and having another baby after one dies certainly doesnt replace or fill that gap by any means, nor did we expect it too.
I have so much more to say but have not had much time over the last few weeks and have to cut tonights post short as we are celebrating our little Miss's 3rd birthday tomorrow. I still cant believe she is 3, such a joy and yet such a rascal all rolled into one! She really does keep me busy.
And lastly, I've added some pics of the last few weeks for an update

The Arrival

Well the much anticipated arrival of Reuben was amazing! I had prepared myself physically and was so completely organised I thought to myself I couldnt be anymore organised if I tried! I was slightly wrong in that really I hadnt prepared myself emotionally for his arrival, even though I had been continuing to have my regular counselling sessions and was talking through my whole pregnancy. Still......it was just not going to prepare me for the aftermath of when the dust settled.

Anyway, to Reuben's arrival. Something I had done to prepare myself and feel some sort of control during this pregnancy was prepare a birth plan. The birth plan even though I was having a c-section, was to include details such as the paediatrician being there in the room for babys arrival and checking baby immediately for any heart problems and any other health issues before handing him over to us. We also had the usual stuff included such as having the screen lowered so we could see the baby being delivered...boy was THAT bit an experience and a half! And then I also wanted baby to be kept in recovery with me, we were not to be separated. I handed this over to my Obstetrician and he had a meeting with hospital nursing staff and gave copies to them as well as the anaesthatist and paediatrician. The only snag we hit was that the nurse manager said the only problem is that hospital policy is to NOT have babies in recovery as there are people other than maternity patients in recovery and that I would not be allowed to have baby in recovery with me if there was a woman in there having a D&C or a miscarriage. At that I saw red and if that were the case then I would sooner rather have my arms severed than stay in recovery without my baby. I had waited too long for this moment and the bonding was crucial for me after what we went through with loosing Connor. So when I arrived at the hospital and was introduced to our lovely midwife Jennifer, she explained that there was no way that was going to happen. It was all arranged and they had even scheduled my c-section last so the other mums could be put through recovery, so they didnt question why I had a baby in there and they didnt. Its a silly policy if you ask me, but I'm happy to say at the end of that I got my wish.

The surgery went well. I was taken down to theatre and I can not believe that the anaesthatist put the epidural in without so much as a flinch from me. It was almost pain free. He was so kind and caring, talking us through the procedure every step of the way. Even whilst I had a panic attack on the table because I could feel my blood pressure dropping and my heart rate lowering down to a lovely 30 BPM, he was still reassuring me and patting my face down with a cool washer. Everything else went to plan and all the staff had been given copies of our history and birth plan so they knew we were very nervous about Reuben's arrival. We really could not have asked for more from all of those involved in Reuben's delivery!

When the anesthatist said it was time for Tim to have the camera ready, the screen was lowered and I could see my baby boy being lifted from my body! He looked huge, chubby and just gorgeous! And he had hair!!! None of my kids were born with hair, well very little of it and what they had was blonde. But this little guy was born with lots of it and it was dark too. A total shock! I think he was determined to be born a real individual. Then he opened his mouth and started screaming. A wave of emotion just flew over my body and I cried and cried. "He's crying, he has lungs". He had to be healthy and strong with lungs like that! Then the paed did his check on him and when he was done he came to tell me with a big smile "congratulations, you have a beautiful healthy, strong boy there." Wow was the only feeling I could use to describe! Then he was wrapped up and placed in my arms. He was beautiful and with his mouth open and screaming he looked just like my 2nd child, Isla. The Obstetrician leaned over and said to me "he looks just like Isla", so he must have seen it too. Reuben Isaac arrived at 10:23am, weighing a healthy 3.28kg and 50cm long.

I was allowed to hold him until it was time to be taken into recovery and they said that they would take him behind me in the crib just incase I dropped him. Okay, no problems with that. Once in recovery the nurses did their checks on me and our midwife stayed with us then passed Reuben over for what was the most wonderful experience I have had in my life. Even during my natural births with my first two I didnt get that skin to skin contact which I think is crucial for bonding and establishing feeding. I was just amazed at this little person laying on my chest. I felt completely blissed out and totally loved up. There is truly no greater feeling in the world. Time stands still. Even to the point I didnt care how I felt recovering. They kept checking to see where I had feeling back in my legs, and I just wasnt interested.

Eventually I was ready to be moved back to the maternity ward and Reuben had to be taken from me for safety, and we couldnt both fit in the lift so Tim stayed with him and we met him back in the room a few minutes later. The rest of the afternoon was spent with me cuddling Reuben and dozing in and out with the help of the painkillers they had dosed me with. I also watched Tim give Reuben his first bath and the midwife do her checks on him.

Later in the afternoon, Tim rang home to speak to the kids and tell them they had a little brother and that he was going home to get them very soon and bring them in. The look on their faces when they came in the room was amazing. I couldnt reach for the camera quick enough. Its safe to say they really love their new little brother and can not get enough of him. Then it was time to let the rest of the world know that Reuben had arrived.

Another thing we did to help us settle down and deal with Reuben's arrival after Connor's death was to limit all visitors to just our little family and at that, it wasnt until 2 days later that we asked our parents to come in for a visit. And that was all we had. It was so peaceful and I was able to concentrate on bonding with Reuben, and concentrate on feeding him.

My time with Reuben in hospital for the 7 days I was there was filled with lots of emotions. I was terrified I wouldnt bond with Reuben, but I can safely say it was not an issue. What was an issue was the fact I could not sleep because I was terrified if I went to sleep something might happen to him. So I didnt get much sleep for the first week, which unfortunately left me feeling pretty exhausted by time I got home. I cant complain yet because Reuben has been quite settled so far and eats and sleeps like a dream, unfortunately its just me that is the problematic one so far. However I think I shall save all the emotional aftermath for another post.

I think Reuben's arrival and our time in hospital went so well because I firmly believe having a carefully laid out birth plan with our history detailed, really helped us to get the desired outcome we wanted. With all staff involved in our care having recieved a copy, we were treated with utmost respect and the nurses, Dr's and all staff were absolutely fantastic.

I just wanted to end this post by saying that this is my 100th post. I never expected when I first started this blog that my life would be at this point. When I started this blog, I was pregnant with Connor and had recently had the diagnosis of Ebstein's Anomaly. I was frightened and afraid for the future. Nobody ever wants to imagine life without their baby. Now here I am and in a few short months this blog will be 2 years old. I never would have thought that this is how my life would be. Even the most carefully laid plans can take detours on the bumpiest of roads.

Egore has arrived!!!!

And he has a name! We are so proud to announce the safe and healthy arrival of Reuben Isaac. He arrived on Valentines Day, which uncannily enough is also International Heart Defect Awareness Day. Born with a great set of lungs at 10:23am weighing a healthy 3.28kg. We are all so over the moon, everything went well with mum on the road to recovery. We are just adjusting to our new life with Reuben and coping with all of the emotions involved that a rainbow baby brings. Stay tuned for more photos and more details in the coming days.......

Also, many many thanks go to all of those who have supported us and been strong for us over the last 2 years. We never ever imagined getting to this point. Words can not describe what it feels like.

The Forgotten.......

For the last few weeks we have noticed that our oldest son has been regressing and having some issues. His anxiety levels are through the roof. He wants to know everything; where we are going, who we are seeing, what we are doing, why we are driving this way and not another way, he wont sleep till late at night and at times completely off his food. If the slightest little thing is out of place, he seems to loose all control and it ends in a flurry of tears. Then came yesterday. Whilst driving to a therapy session for him he was asking some questions so I, doing what I have been told by the professionals, answered him honestly and explained that his Aunty Lizzie would look after him and Isla for just the day while mummy goes into hospital and has the baby. He started screaming and crying "no no no no no no I dont ever want it to be like Connor". "Why did you have to have another baby?" "I hate babies!" Uh oh! It suddenly clicked that all of this anxiety that has been building up the last 2 weeks is because he thinks that it is going to be a terrible time like when I had Connor. That he wouldnt have mum and dad with him for a week, that he would have someone else caring for him for that whole time, and that mum would come home with no baby again. When Connor died it was difficult in that I had my own grief to deal with and then also a little person who was finding it all too hard to understand, and at times it was difficult for us to be there for him emotionally. He remembers everything and repeats it in small bursts at different times. This in itself can be emotionally hard for myself. 5 year olds can be brutally honest in their questions and statements at times. But my main point is I think sometimes people fail to understand, including myself, at times how hard losing a young baby is on the older siblings. I will never forget when we told Deacon that it was time to say goodbye to Connor at the hospital. We never told him that Connor was going to die, nor did we tell him it would be the last time he would see him. He just knew. It was something that he knew at the age of 3 and 3/4's. I have a photograph that someone took of me trying to hold Deacon and cuddle him, telling him it was time for him to say goodbye to Connor. I think the picture just says it all and doesnt require any words. To me its gut wrenching and everytime I see it, it makes me cry to see him hurting so much. I later learned from my sister Lizzie, that she had a really hard time trying to get him into the car to take him home after that. He was hysterical to the point people passing by were asking if everything was ok and if they could help. In simple terms he was broken hearted at losing his little brother.

The reason I have written this post is just to make others aware of how the death of a baby can affect the older brothers and sisters. That the effects will last years. Its been 16 months and my now 5 year old is still suffering and has to attend weekly therapy sessions to help him. At times dealing with his grief and anxiety is quite hard on everyone in this house. And just a note for those who think that the death of a baby is just a drop in the ocean, and that you will get over it......well, the answer is no you dont ever get over it. The repercussions are enormous and I am sure we, including our children will feel the effects for a very very long time to come. I think my son is living proof of that.

For now, we have been working closely with his therapists, and teachers and they are aware of when we will be having the baby and have been working closely with Deacon. His teachers have been very good with him and he has been recieving lots of one on one time and they have spent a great deal of time reassuring him that the baby is healthy and that everything will be ok. They have gone to lengths to get in some books for him on new babies and being a big brother. Of course we know there are no guarantees and I feel awful for lying to him and saying "hey yes...baby is super ad we WILL be coming home with a baby". Because reality is I am terrified and it is still in the back of my mind that if everything once again goes pearshaped, our life will just fall apart. But at the moment.....we are all just going to keep going with "its all going to be just fine" and hope to god it turns out okay!

Wow!!!!!

That is the only word I can describe my friends! Wow!!!! I think its probably best to start off this blog post by saying that recently I was reading another blog about "the net". This being your support network, the people you love, the people who catch you when you fall. My "net" came about through a wonderful forum that I joined when my now 5 year old was just 6 months old. I have made some fabulous friends from all around the country, many friends and some that I am so close to....I call them my best friends. We talk now not only through the forum, through facebook, through emails, through text messages, through phone calls and some that live local I have been fortunate to meet with. When I was pregnant with Connor, they supported me with their net. They wrapped me up and kept me safe, told me it would be ok, told me to be strong, that I would get through it. These women have a heart of gold that could seriously light the darkest of rooms. I guess you could say their light saw me through my darkest of times. They were there when Connor died with messages of love and support, phone calls and even visits....one drove for 2 days across the country to visit and another got off the plane from her holiday and then made the 8 hour drive to visit. I am so grateful for all of their love, support and friendship they have all given me over the last few years.

They have been supporting me through my grief after Connor's death, then my IVF journey and now my pregnancy, and boy has that all been one huge journey. Now that I am coming to the end of my pregnancy, they once again literally rocked my socks off. A beautiful friend Kerrie organised, through my sister, to host a baby shower at her mums house. Kerrie lives interstate and set this all up with my "net" of friends. She managed to keep this a secret and boy was it one hell of a suprise. My sister picked me up on Saturday afternoon and told me that we were going out to afternoon tea with my neice. We arrived at Kerrie's mums house, pulled up in the drive way and up went the roller door of the garage. Standing there were these fabulous women and they all yelled "SURPRISE". All I could see was Kerrie in the sea of faces, and knowing she lives so far away I burst into tears....I was so happy to see her! Whilst we were hugging, I noticed another friend whom we had yet to meet in real life, just known each other via the forums, and Facebook etc for the last 4 years. I couldnt believe it was Gen!!!! Again....lots more tears and huge hugs. Then they said that there was someone else.....it was my dear friend Mel. I could not believe my eyes. She lives over the other side of the country and meeting seemed almost impossible. Hugging her was like hugging a long lost friend. She has been such a wonderful supportive friend. It was a moment that will stay with me forever. I really am so lucky to have all of these wonderful friends in my life. It was a wonderful afternoon and one that I will never forget. I was so excited to see everyone that I think I could have stayed and chatted with them forever. It sone of those moments you dont ever want to end. I have to say a huge thank you to Kerrie because I know she worked so very hard organising this surprise baby shower and it was all done from another state, with her flying in on the early hours of that morning and flying out early the next day. She did a wonderful job, because I had an awesome time and boy was I surprised!!! And also to my interstate friends who travelled the long distances to be there - Mel, Gen and Stacey. Also a big thank-you to all the local girls whom I love, who came to make this day so special. And to the girls who were there in spirit, thank-you all for celebrating baby "Egore's" arrival and making it such a special day, and thank-you all for contributing to the beautiful gifts. I am so overwhelmed and in awe of these beautiful ladies that I am so proud to call MY "net". I am so very very lucky and very blessed to have them in my life.