Lost in Baby Loss

I wanted to start this post out by saying that my blog has really evolved since I first started it 9 months ago. Originally it was put in place to keep family and friends up to date with what was happening in our appointments that were so frequent during my pregnancy with Connor. Now it is something completely different. It is about my grief after losing Connor. Its no longer about anybody else, its about me and my grief and the long journey it has created. I wish it was something different, even in Connors death I still wish for it to be different to what it is now. I find that I am censoring what I write more frequently. So many times I have gone to write a blog entry and I delete it and walk away, with those thoughts still echoing inside my head. Unfortunately there are now things that I can not say on here because it will cause more trouble than its worth, because there are other things happening in our life that we simply do not share with family and friends. My message is that I dont wish for people to use this blog to "check up on me" and then report back to those at the epicentre that I am suicidal or that they are worried. If that is what people are using this for then it is best they stop reading, your concerns are not warranted. This space is for me to be able to talk about "Life After Connor", and that includes everything that I feel the need to let out whether it be dealing with my other children and their grief, as well as my own and other things that crop up that throw my world into a spin. Unfortunately I still do not feel comfortable writing about everything in this space that happens in my life due to the fact that there are certain people who for whatever malicious reasons spread mindless gossip, I prefer to retreat further into that shell and ignore the callousness that this person has caused. I do not know why there is the need to be so callous and nasty, we have lost so much already. I certainly dont appreciate what this person is doing and hope that one day they will find me so boring that they will no longer find the need to try to cause problems, not only for myself but for others. You know I was thinking that it takes a lot of energy and effort to be nasty and vicious, but so little effort to show someone a little bit of kindness.For this reason, my understanding of grief has changed and it is so much deeper than I can describe. It is bigger than me, its huge!

And then there is the baby loss world in which I find myself lost. I used to attend a support group, but since one of the other mums announced her pregnancy in February, I havent been back. The sad thing is, that the group leader hasnt even contacted me to see if I am ok. I never felt completely comfortable with them. It was like they had their own space and I was trespassing in their world. I have two of their books still so will have to contact someone and return them soon I guess. Then there is my counselling sessions. My first counsellor resigned and then when a new one was appointed this year, she rang and left a message. I never returned her call. Not because I didnt want to but I guess I just got busy. Then I got a copy and paste letter asking if we still wanted contact. I still havent replied. I'm not sure what is stopping me or why I havent replied but....it just hasnt happened. Then there are the forums and discussion boards. I feel like a misfit. I am a baby loss mumma, but a lost one. I have other children, many others dont and I feel a sense of guilt that I shouldnt be there because my grief is different. My day revolves around my two living children, I dont have time for myself little lone grieve and expel those intense feelings. Yet I am still grieving. I read all sorts of baby lost blogs. Everyones stories are so different. I read, I comment yet my world is still silent and lonely when I enter that baby loss community. Somehow I feel I dont meet the criteria to fit in no matter how much I can identify with them. I feel my grief is less and I dont belong. Its a quiet and lonely world. I've drifted from the baby loss forums and the discussion boards and maybe too I will drift from the blogs. Maybe I dont belong there either? Because this blog is no longer serving its purpose of getting everything out and allowing me to talk freely about life after Connor, the need to continue it is starting to seem a little pointless. I guess I come in here when I feel the need, which then makes this purely a place for me and my head space no matter how whacky it can be at times, even with censorship.

Sad news.....

We recieved some very sad news today. Tims Aunty Issy passed away today after a short but very brave battle with melanoma cancer. My thoughts are with her husband and her children and her beloved grandson that all meant the world to her. She was a lady who meant so much to many, Tim describes her as a very popular lady who always helped others before herself. Just before Easter we had a little weekend getaway to a beachside cabin down the coast of which Tim's parents, my parents, Tim's brother and sister in law all contributed money towards in memory of Connor. When Aunty Issy heard about this, she too decided to contribute. Just a small example of her kindness in an effort to help others. She will be very much missed. I know I will miss the chats I have with her about chocolate cakes. Just a few weeks ago my mother in-law said that Aunty Issy told her once she was feeling better she was going to come over and get me to show her how to bake my famous chocolate cake. I am so sorry that she didnt get better and that her life was cut so short. I know that Tim will miss his aunty very much and his mum will be lost without her sister and best friend.

I have a favour to ask

I have seen other babyloss mama's do this on their blog and it is such a beautiful way to remember their lost loved ones. So I have something I would like to ask no matter where you are around the country or around the world. If you think of us and Connor, would you write his name? It can be written in so many ways, in the sand, out of nursery blocks, in snow or ice, out of sticks or leaves or any other imaginative way that you can think of. Take a photo of it and email it to me at c_m_sartain@hotmail.com and I will post it in the blog. Thank you so much xxx

A Lovely Surprise

I got a lovely surprise in the post!!! It came all the way from Arizona USA! It was the buds from Connor's Memorial Sweet Lime Tree that a lovely lady has planted in her garden in Arizona. Her name is Karren and she is the grandmother of little Julianne who has Ebstein's Anomaly. Julianne's Mum and I met through the world wide web searching for answers during our pregnancies. When our Connor died, Julianne's grandmother planted a sweet lime tree in Connor's memory. Such a beautiful way to remember Connor, I feel honored that my little man touched the hearts of others around the world.
Karren, I dont have your email address so I am going to say it on here because I know you read......Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love it!!!! It sits where I can see it everyday. And when I have a hard day it will remind me of how much Connor is loved and remembered, not just by me but by others....even on the other side of the world. Thank you so much xxx

Happy Mothers Day

Well I'm just not sure where to start on this one. It wasnt something I anticipated was going to be terrible or devastating, there was not much of my thought that was going into it. Tims mum was working and my mum was going to a family gathering that I didnt wish to go to. I'm not ready to be around people where I can put myself in a situation that may not go well. I'm choosing my words carefully here! Bottom line.....I dont socialise much these days for fear of the "its been 7 months....move on" or "I know how you feel" type of comments. So the decision was made that we would be staying home this year and keeping it quiet. Tim made a lovely BBQ lunch and then cooked a roast for tea. Just before we had our roast tea, we did a balloon release and attached some drawings from the kids and letters from us, after all it was 7 months to the day that we said goodbye to Connor. A few special people remembered and let us know they were thinking of us realising that Mothers Day was harderer this year than most.

Just rewinding back to Friday so it makes this whole post a little clearer. Deacon asked me if he could make a card for Connor. I said "sure you can". He then asks "can I post it to him". I thought for a minute "umm...ok". Then he says "but will the postie know how to get it to Connor in heaven. He has to go down the road, down North East Rd, past Tea Tree Plaza and past Kmart". By this time I had tears streaming down my face. When Tim got home I told him what Deacon asked and he said that is the direction of the funeral home and that is the way the car went when we put Connors casket in it. I am thinking that he is still just so puzzled as to where Connor is and why he isnt here with us now. So when I mentioned this, a lovely lady suggested doing a balloon release on Mothers Day. Which was a brilliant idea.

So on Sunday, Mothers Day, Deacon is all excited about his drawing. He gets ready, helps me attach it along with his and Tims drawing, Isla's drawing, and my letter. We decided to leave all 4 balloons tied together, there was a balloon for each of us with our personal message and 4 balloons together will go much higher than 1 balloon right? So we do the balloon release and it was beautiful. Except that Isla was completely gutted her "up-a-dums" where flying away.

We went inside, carved up the roast and we sit down as a family to eat our lovely roast that Tim had so lovingly prepared. Then the barrage of questions start..."So what is Connor eating for tea? What will Connor eat for breakfast tomorrow" We tried to explain that Connor doesnt eat anymore, he is in heaven. "But he needs to eat or he wont grow up and wont be able to go to kindy". So Tim starts to explain to him that Connor died and went to heaven and heaven is up in the sky and we cant go there etc. By this time we are in tears and then Deacon says "He's not dead, he's not dead!" His bottom lip had dropped and he was crying. Tim went to hug Deacon and the poor little guy put his arm out to push Tim away. Tim said he was trying to hug him because he was crying and poor Deacon blurted out "I'm not crying I just have eye snot and I cant make it stop". This really was a bittersweet moment, that through all the tears he was still able to make us laugh. I feel so heartbroken for Deacon that we just cant quite make him understand. It is going to be a really long and hard road. How do you explain to a 4 year old? Some people think it is so cut and dry, that we should have never exposed him to this. Well thanks for nothing! Its a bit late now isnt it!!! Deacon knew mummy had a baby in her tummy. He's 4 years old, he's certainly not stupid!

Then this morning, we woke up to one excited little 4 year old jumping into bed to say that he was going to kindy today and he had to tell everyone he sent a balloon with his drawing up to Connor. He asked a whole series of other questions, grabbing the photos off the bedside cupboard while he was waiting for me to get dressed and asking me what the tubes were for, what the tape on Connors face was for? There were mountains of these questions. Gosh I couldnt get this kid off to kindy quick enough the questions were coming thick and fast. So I explained to Deacons kindy teacher when I dropped him off because he was telling anyone that was remotely human about "how the balloons went up to his brother Connor in heaven", that they should expect him to say something about it. Up until recently he has never uttered a word about Connor at kindy, but they are aware and like us are just letting him guide the talking, although the talking over the last few days has been incredibly non-stop. When I picked him up from kindy, asked him how his day was....all was ok, until this afternoon when I was pegging out the washing. "Mum, riley has our baby"...I looked at him and asked him what he meant. He said " Riley has our baby, he has a little brother called Connor". The I had to explain, no thats not our baby because ours died and went to heaven. Gosh I, am starting to think I should have called this blog post....Our baby died and went to heaven....I've said it that many times. But as the psychologist explained, just let ourselves be guided by his questions and just keep repeating it over and over again. One day he will understand. I HOPE....one day he will understand.

So Happy Mothers day to all out there. My Mothers Day wasnt so brilliant because I was missing a special someone as it was 7 months to the day that he died.

On what would have been our first Mothers Day Connor, I love you and miss you more and more each day. There has been a huge hole left in our lives without you and no matter what we do that hole is still there. Its left us with an empty aching pain that just doesnt go away. I know your Daddy misses you and I know your brother misses you too, he talks about you non stop. And everytime Isla sees your photo she says "Connor" ever so sweetly and clearly. Why you were taken away from us I will never understand. There are somethings in life that are just not fair! Just not fair at all

A bit of Panic

Lately I have started to feel a little more human. I am thinking its the routine. We get up, I throw on the washing, Get Master D off to kindy, back home, more washing, make the beds and so on. I have a routine, and if I so much as move from that routine it seems to throw everything off balance. I start feeling terrible again, and the downward spiral begins. Its when I have time to think to myself and I go over and over all of the bad things. Then the negativity hits.
Well today was like the others. Back to the routine, but I just did a few things different today. I decided to be a daredevil and do something out of the routine. This afternoon I thought I would take Deacon to make up the gymnastics session he missed and take him to kindergym and Isla too. It was Okay. There were no pregnant women. Phew!!! I'm currently allergic to seeing pregnant woman. There were babies, but no tiny ones. And it was a small group, not many people. So I survived. Then on the way home I thought I'd call in to the supermarket and pick up a few things so I could make a nice pot of soup for tea. Yep, I am starting to take an interest in cooking nice meals again. Then it happened. I almost dropped my purse on the floor. I got hot and sweaty and I wanted to run away and scream. A lady with a new baby. It was a tiny brand new baby screaming with that new born baby wail. I couldnt stand the noise. I just had to get out of there. As I walked passed I looked the other way because I didnt want to see it but I looked at the mother briefly and she looked flustered but just left it there in the trolley capsule to scream while she put her groceries through the checkout. I rushed mine through so we could get out of there quickly. I could still hear it screaming as I went through the outside doors to the carpark. Its funny how its the little things that can set me off and upset me. But what upsets me more is how people tell me "they know" how I feel. But if they can see pregnant women, if they can talk to pregnant women, if they can talk about all the excitement of a new baby and pregnancy, if they can still look at new babies and go awwwwwww. But you know what, if they knew how I felt then I guess they would have the same reactions that I do. Then the reality is they DONT know how I feel! And do you know what.......I hope they never do! Because I can only describe the pain of losing a child as I would give my life so my child could live. There is no other way I can word it. If there was a choice, and I was asked to choose between my life or Connors, I would choose for Connor to live. And I would choose that over and over again. My heart aches with the hole that he left in my heart. And I still have days where I just cant grasp the enormity of it all, those days where you just want to scream its not fair!!!!