Your thoughts for little Julianne

I am actually not supposed to be on here, we are busy packing for a holiday but a special little someone has been on my mind all week. A little baby called Julianne. I hope her mum doesnt mind but I would like ALL my friends and family to send their warm, loving and positive thoughts her way. She is over the other side of the world in the US. Her mum and I found each other when we were both pregnant with similar diagnosis with our babys, both had severe Ebstein's Anomaly. We formed a friendship over the internet talking about where we were at and what was possibly going to happen in the future. I gained so much strength and found so much comfort in talking with her during this time, and she has continued to be supportive of me. And I am eternally grateful. Little Julianne was due at around the same time as Connor, she was born 9 days after him and she fought! She fought very hard and has proven to be such a little miracle. She has just gone in for her second surgery...the Glenn procedure this week. She is doing so well and with all of your positive thoughts and prayers I hope she will continue to improve each day and grow stronger.

Whoops.....the husband and kids are back from errands so I am over and out for now. I promise to respond to all comments, emails and messages when I return xxx

Platitudes.......I HATE them!

I am supposed to be in bed sleeping but I cant, something has been bugging me and I feel the need to blog. So here I am at 20 to 1 in the morning, busily blogging away. The single most annoying and upsetting thing after the fact that you dont have your baby alive and healthy is the platitudes that people dish up. Its like nails down a blackboard to me, or maybe I should say nails in the coffin! In the days after Connor died, the platitudes started rolling in. And in my shell shocked state I think the majority of my reactions to these were just eye popping, jaw dropping, gob smacking....are you freaking SERIOUS!!!!! WHAT did you say??????

The first of many was from a midwife at the hospital just a few days after Connor died. She came in to see us when she heard what had happened and that we were there. She was the midwife who helped deliver Deacon my first born, and she also looked after me when I gave birth to Isla. I will never forget those words. She asked to look at any photos we had. We showed her a little album and when she closed the book she looked at me and said "It just wasnt meant to be". I could have screamed with the pain. I dont think she will ever realise how much damage she did. So much so that I will never go back to that hospital for ANY procedure. Never! I was only talking to someone about this yesterday and how much THAT particular comment hurt. I do understand that it is so easy to say such things especially if you have not ever suffered such grief. I have been guilty of saying stupid things myself and only just realised now that I am a dead baby mama myself, that they were not the right things to say. I wish I had such insight without having to suffer the loss myself. I know now it is best to say your sorry, be there and be supportive, physically.....offer hugs rather than say the following:

"he's better off where he is"
"it just wasnt meant to be"
"you can always have another baby"
"he was never yours to keep, he's gods baby now"
"just be thankful you have two healthy children"
"atleast you have other children"
"atleast he wont be suffering anymore"

I could go on listing them but you probably get the idea. Every now and then someone blurts another out and I suddenly remember why I created that bubble that has no television, no computers, and no other living beings in it. Its made just for me where I can scream, swear and yell as much as I like without offending anyone. Where I can imagine my reply "I'm sorry did you have too much stupid for breakfast today and forget to have a cup of shut the heck up?". But instead I look at them with a glazed look over my eyes, say nothing and walk away because I know its just all too hard, they just dont understand my pain and fortunately for them they probably never will.

Earlier tonight I went on to facebook and was sharply reminded why I dont go on there anymore. I was so saddened to see that a so called friend of ours had their baby obviously some time ago, lovely photos! And they way I found out was through a friend of a friends FB page. Maybe they didnt tell us they had their baby because they thought they might hurt us? Maybe they thought that dead baby syndrome was catching and they didnt want to jinx themselves? Or maybe they just plain old couldnt be arsed! Whatever their reason it is extremely hurtful that people feel the need to avoid us. I guess in the end it just reminds me who our REAL friends are. It would be great to say that this is the first time this has happened in the almost 6 months since Connor died, but the truth is....its the second such incident and I am sure its not the last. I guess those actions sybolise the end of that friendship or familial relationship, because when a mother is hurting so badly after the loss of her baby that was born living and full of hope, she remembers those words her mother drilled into her as a little girl "do unto others as you would do unto them"

Enough said.......off to crawl back in my bubble and cool down!

Blah!!!! Just plain old blah......

What a blah of a week! Just plain old BLAAAAAAAH! I am sitting here trying to find the words to type, and I am seriously struggling. Life is frought with day to day routines where I make myself do things because if I stop I know I will have time to think. I usually just go about doing the same things I do everyday, but then occassionaly something happens that is a sharp reminder of what happened to me. Oh yeah!!!! Thats right.......I had a baby on the 8th of October 2009 and he died on the 9th of October 2009. Everytime I have left the house this week I drive past this election poster on a street light pole and I now dare myself to actually not look at it, but even doing that reminds me of what happened because I have to think about it before I get to it. So in affect i am STILL thinking about it without even looking at it first! The candidate on the posters name is "Gary CONNOR" and Connor is in BIG bold letters. You just cant miss it! Its to the point where all I see is the name Connor and I really cant tell you if the mans name is Gary, Dave, Dick or Tom. I cant even tell you which party he respresents because i never read past the name Connor. All I see is my babys name. Its as the poem says, brings music to my ears and soothes my broken heart. But it also reminds me that someone is missing from my life. I often wonder will I be an old lady in a nursing home at the age of 92 carrying a doll around telling people that its my baby. They say thats what old ladies do when they get dementia, they revert back to their younger days and pine for that lost baby all over again. Or is it that we just never stop pining? I dont know? Maybe check back on my blog in the year 2060 and I'll let you know.....thats if I can remember where the computer is!

5 Long Months

Its been 5 long months since Connor was born and 5 months since he died. We had his anniversary this week, and it was hard. I always light his candle on his little month birthdays and also on the anniversaries of his death. Somehow it just makes me feel like he's with me. I miss him! I miss him a lot! It was hard going through Christmas without him, it was hard moving into the new year without him, and even harder moving on through my birthday knowing my family was supposed to be complete. BUT....its still broken. I was thinking about this the other day and I realised something, its always going to be broken. Connors birth and death has changed me. I look in the mirror and I even see a different person to the one I used to be. I'm much more of a no bullshit person, and I certainly dont take life lying down.

It was strange in the early days of the grieving process. I felt like it was all so fresh and new at 1 month, at 2 months, at 3 months and by 4 months it started to feel less raw. By 5 months it feels like it was all so long ago. I shut my eyes at night and I can still picture everything as it happened. I wonder how it is for everyone else? I found a quote that read: "The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool; the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions, affecting many, many people. --De Frain, 1991". I wonder do they still feel the rippling effect of the death of my baby? To be honest I really dont know because Connor isnt talked about with alot of family or friends. I've stopped worrying whether its because they are too afraid to speak or whether its because they just dont care. I think I've reached a point where I dont care to know anymore.

For months I have hidden myself away. I've backed away from the computer, I never answer the phone, I've let my mobile phone run out of credit and I only take my oldest son to kindergarten because its a necessity. I shop because its a necessity. Other than that.....I dont leave the house. I dont socialise or visit anyone. So with my recent appointments at the good old psychiatrist, she thinks I have done this because I have felt let down by those whom I wished would provide us with support, so in turn I turned everyone away for fear they too would let me down. She thinks its time to get out and start socialising, start talking with just a few people, just the few that I feel comfortable with, those who have stuck by me and continually offered support. I am lucky I have a few friends who have remained persistent. So in that I did take the plunge. I went to my neices house this week for lunch so our kids could have a play together. Then the next day I picked my parents up and took them to Outer Harbour to see the Queen Mary 2 and have coffee at a portside cafe. And I have made plans this week to meet a few friends. These might seem little, but trust me they were HUGE steps for me! I actually felt slightly human for a while.

Something I am learning along this journey is that I dont have to share Connor with everyone. If I had've said this even just a few weeks ago I would have had a pink fit! But today I made a big step. My hairdresser tends to talk alot as all hairdressers do, but somehow she seems to put her foot in it every time and makes me feel like crap. So I made a promise to myself that I would NOT talk about Connor with her, sounds contradictory to what I have just said I know. I discussed this with my SANDS group and they agreed it was probably the best approach to take considering good, cheap hairdressers are hard to find. Atleast she makes me feel physically human because she gets rid of the greys for me and that IS something that I need to get by at the moment. She never raised anything about Connor and thank god it all went ok. Some people might think this is a piss weak approach to take, but its what I have to do to get by. There simply is no other way, otherwise I only end up getting upset and start arguing with people because they dont see my point, and honestly how can they understand when they havent lost a child. I cant possibly expect them to understand the pain of losing a child when they havent been there themselves. My problem is she thinks she understands because of her relatives loss, but when she opens her mouth I know she does not understand and her interjecting and sometimes off comments do not help me in the slightest.

I've been doing other things at home to keep myself busy. Just because I havent been going out and socialising doesnt mean I have been sitting on my butt doing nothing. I decided to re-do our bedroom and it now is a place of peace and tranquility, one where I can rest and wake feeling refreshed. I've added a photo, which for anyone who knows what our house looks like, its a far cry from the tacky old blue and yellow paint that adorned the walls. Its now my haven. We bought a new bed and new mattress too, and as well as painting the room, I had some black and white photos of my 3 beautiful babies done with an inspirational quote that I think is just perfect! In the photo you will see two teddy bears on the bed that were for Connor, the blue one from my sister and the angel one from my parents.

So through the mess of my post, my point is.....progress is being made. There may be deviations from the road, but atleast things are moving and I am trying. Just dont ever expect me to be over this. You may notice I am different. But you will have to accept that, just as I have had to accept many things in my life whether I am at peace with them or not.