I wished I had've known about this

I really wished I had've known about this service before hand. Its the Australian Community of Child Photographers, and they have photographers in every state of Australia. After Connor died I then plunged myself into the internet world and found that it was common overseas, particularly in the USA for photographers to donate their time to taking professional photos for families of their loved ones, be it stillbirth, neonatal loss etc. I often thought that is something I really would have appreciated because it is a way of creating memories, beautiful memories. And now all we have are the crappy photos that were taken on our camera by the nurses and midwives at the hospital. Not that I am ungrateful for the photos we have because they are better than none. I am going to do some searching at the hospital and find out if they are offering this service to families because it certainly was not offered to us and I hope that other families get the opportunity to have beautiful memories created for them, because those memories are all we are left with. So when I head back to the hospital for my next psych appointment in 2 weeks time I will follow this up. I think it is such a wonderful thing the photographers are doing, and I am sure the families on the recieving end are forever grateful. Here is the link to the website that I found: http://www.acocp.org.au/

Who's afraid of the boogey man?

I am!!!! He's been lurking lately and I am scared shitless! Today for some reason I want to cry. I have realised that its just a fraction over 2 months away until Connor's first birthday and first anniversary and I still havent organised anything. We think we have come to a decision on what we are going to do. We did discuss having a memorial plaque made in bronze and set in a granite stone to be laid in front of his memorial statue to commemorate the one year anniversary. But now I have this dreaded fear of actually contacting someone to do it. I can hear them now "what? You want a plaque for your garden???? You cant bury your baby in the garden!" They probably wont even say this, I'm sure they get calls like this all the time. I looked up in the phone directory a few places and they are all out at local cemetaries or near one. Seems all so final again! Do I really have to! I dont want to, but I want to do this. I mean I want the memorial plaque but dont want to have to organise it. God I wish this boogey man would bugger off and go and haunt someone elses conscience, because mine is too full for that big ugly scarey hairy beast to live in right now. I hope I can get things organised. I dont want the day to go by and not give Connor the perfect tribute he deserves. After all it would have been his first birthday and it should have been all birthday cakes, presents, balloons and party hats. Gosh how heavy empty arms can feel.......and how much pain can a broken heart live with.

lifes a blur

It really is when your days seem to start melting into one another. And then they start to feel like groundhog day. Get up taking child number 1 to preschool. Come home, put washing on, make beds, tidy house, pick up child number 1 from kindy then back home. Now its school holidays time and all the kids seem to do is squeal and fight at a noise level that rivals an air raid siren. God how I wish I could sometimes just stay in bed for the whole day and just bloody grieve!!!! Just for ONE day! Just one! Now I sound ungrateful because I atleast have 2 healthy children whilst others would be happy to have what I have. Seriously it is really hard to keep going when you have other children. Just when you feel your on an open keel and your day is going ok, child number 1 insists that you download a DVD for Connor and send to him. And child number 2 insists that she go through Connors photo album and point and name every person in the picture. Its hard, its frustrating, its agonising and its so freaking tough. Today is one of those days. I feel angry, cranky, annoyed, upset.....would love to have a bloody good cry, but theres no tears left. I have a few friends who have been a wonderful support to me, but now I am finding that slowly one by one they are dissappearing. It makes you wonder what you've done wrong. The majority of family have not been supportive and largely we are left alone. It seems as time goes on we are no longer in need of support, or friendships or even of family anymore. Perhaps they think we should be over it by now. I've seen other babyloss mums talk about the first funeral they have been to since the death of their baby. We have had that already, and not once did I complain. But now it seems as others have issues or I should say that there have been other deaths, ours have become less important and less of a priority. We've been dumped! This is not a personal dig at anyone.....so please dont go off your nut and have a whinge. This is MY space for MY whinge and if you dont like it LUMP IT!!!!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhh.......feel better already!