Writing Connor's Name
I have seen other babyloss mama's do this on their blog and it is such a beautiful way to remember their lost loved ones. So I have something I would like to ask no matter where you are around the country or around the world. If you think of us and Connor, would you write his name? It can be written in so many ways, in the sand, out of nursery blocks, in snow or ice, out of sticks or leaves or any other imaginative way that you can think of. Take a photo of it and email it to me at c_m_sartain@hotmail.com and I will post it in the blog. Thank you so much xxx
 from Connor's Aunty Lizzie, South Australia  from Kristy, Western Australia  from Jo, in Adelaide, South Australia  from Mel, South Australia    from Fleur, Carnarvon, Western Australia  from Laura, New South Wales  from Hayley, Victoria  from Kirra, Western Australia  from Jules, New South Wales  from Demelza, Alice Springs  from The Barlow Family, Victoria  from Pauline, Western Australia  from Deb, Victoria  from Caz & Flynn, Northern Territory  from Jenni, Central Queensland  from Roxanne, NSW  from Leigh, Queensland  from Lindy in Zanzibar, Africa |
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Its my Anti-Birthday!
Yes, you read right! Today is my anti-birthday. I really dont like my birthday, never have, I dont know why. But this year boy does it bite!!!! I'm 35 today and feeling utterly miserable. I had always planned to have my family finished by time I was 30. Well Deacon didnt arrive until the end of my 30th year, so I moved the bar a little and decided we wanted to have our family finished by time I was 35. I would have been so lucky but then my 3rd and last baby died. Connor would have been 5 months old in another 8 days, and I SHOULD have been celebrating it with my little family. Instead i am recieving phone calls from family we havent heard from in months saying "Haaaaaappy Biiiiirthday, have a lovely day, the weather is nice today". Ummmmm thanks! Well its my birthday but its not happy, I wouldnt know if its a lovely day, and I dont care for the weather! Seriously! Its like people are allergic to the fact that my baby is dead and I should be over his death by now. Do you get the feeling I make them feel uncomfortable? But I guess now they have done the obligitaries they will crawl back in their holes and we wont hear from them for a few more months, unless they want something. So this is today. Its just an ordinary day, because if I think about it, I will fall apart. Because today was the day I was turning 35 and I was to have my happy, healthy little family of 3 children; 2 boys and a princess in the middle. So today is my anti-birthday. Birthdays bite and so does life!
Friday, February 26, 2010
CHOICES...........
**WARNING** this may upset some people so if you are sensitive about abortion and medical termination, then read no further! As I said these are MY thoughts, MY ramblings and this blog is a place for ME to hash these feelings out and be able to heal and grow. I apologise if people are offended by this post, but it is real, real life and sometimes some of us are faced with terrible choices, and sometimes the judgement recieved is often without thought or care. This gives an insight into why these choices are made and why they should never be taken away. Thank-you
Something that really bugged me the other day that I feel compelled to write about. There is an upcoming election in SA. I managed to escape the fact that it was happening by hiding behind that lovely big fence around my house. But this week I had to leave to make the trek over the other side of town, which in itself was quite scarey because i am no longer used to that heavy traffic. Well as I made my way down several arterial roads I see all the "vote for me" signs. Normally these signs dont bug me and Tim and I usually have a laugh at some of the ridiculous catch phrases they have. I'm already completely over the ads on tv, especially the "Isobel Redman IS ready". Right! Ok, that made a huge difference to my day! Thanks! So the signs, there was one particular group that had two different signs that made me really freak. I found them so highly offensive I have not been able to stop thinking about them. It was by an anti-abortion group. One had a picture of a fetus shattered and the other had a 6 month-ish old baby lying down holding an adults finger and it had the wording "help save babies".
I have several problems with this. Firstly NO ONE has the right to judge a woman for this choice, and no one has the right to take this choice away. There are many reasons why an abortion may occur. It could be an unwanted pregnancy, could be a result of rape and then it could also be for a medical termination. The repercussions of removing the choice to have a termination is enormous! It would also further impact on the already strained socio-economic groups in those that have unwanted pregnancies and are forced to continue with the pregnancy to adopt or foster out, or worse face them to go underground and risk their own lives by seeing dodgy Drs in it for the money. Of course there is the argument that a life is a life and there are people out there who cant have babies and we should all just give those babies to the childless couples. Okay, then think about those unwanted children and how they feel about being adopted/fostered, I can only imagine. My dad was adopted and I can tell you how he was treated has a rippling affect. These are just my rambling thoughts, and I understand that others opinions will be different. We are all entitled to have our opinions right? Its a free country right? And we all have the right to make a choice, right? The day someone takes that choice away we become a communist country!
The main issue I have with taking away the right to choose an abortion is the fact that it would take away from the right to have a medical termination, and unless YOU are ever faced with that position YOU have no right to criticise someone for their choice. It is never a decision that is made lightly, and it is an extremely difficult time. I was always always completely dead against it and said I would always accept my lot in life. But when we recieved the diagnosis that Connor had an extremely severe heart defect, we were offered the choice of a termination. I can tell you everyone had their two cents worth to say about it, even down to the judgmental comments of "I didnt think you would be that sort of person". Okay!!!! Thanks for that! What I am saying is you never know how you are going to react or how you are going to feel when faced with this decision, and unless you have ever been in this position you can never understand the emotions of how it feels to be given that choice. Its all about risks.
During this time that I was faced with these risks and recieving my judgment from the all high and mighty people who speak so freely as if it just rolls off their tongue, I actually had a break down as a result and was taken to womans assessment at the hospital. I was being assessed to see if I was at risk of harming myself. Yes, I was extremely close to just wanting to end it all. Being told that your unborn babys heart is so broken that the chances of him surviving are very very low, but also being told HOW they would perform a medical termination. And at 23 weeks, that was not going to be pretty. That is something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. Have a termination and end my babys suffering, or give him a chance at life knowing that the chances of survival are very very slim. There didnt seem to be anyway out really and either way I was going to face the death of my baby. Because they wouldnt give us a definate answer, and say there is no hope. Then I picked myself up and said fight it. I would give it my all and fight for my babys life. It all seemed so worth it shortly after Connors birth when they said he was doing so well considering the condition and size of his heart. Then we recieved that phone call at 7am the next morning. I had to wake Tim to answer it and I can still see the expression on his face when the Dr told him to get ready and come down asap, they could no longer stabilise our little fighter and he was going to lose his life.
People tell me I should be grateful for the 25 hours I had with him knowing that others dont get even that. I am so grateful that I did get to hold him and look into his eyes, even if it was for only 2 minutes. But no, 25 hours is not enough for me.....it never will be, and I will always wish for more.
So you see THAT is why I find those posters so offensive. They talk about "saving babies lives", about saving the unborn from an unwanted life, or a life of pain and agony when that money and resources could be better off being poured into the Womens and Childrens Hospital and helping babies like Connor. The ventilator he was on was over 20 years old and sounded like a volkswagon. They had only 2 ventilators available and even these couldnt help support his breathing. He was slipping in and out of unconcsiousness and was dying as his lactate levels built up in his tiny little body shutting down every organ before it even had the chance to start functioning. What if a better newer ventilator could have made the difference? The hospital is also so small that the NICU was full and there was no choice but to send him to PICU, the Peadiatric Intensive Care Unit. Two ladies in my SANDS group had premature babies and were sent to Flinders Hospital over the other side of town because NICU at WCH was also full at the time of their babies birth. I believe the hospital can only house around half a dozen or so neonates in intensive care, and that is for a major hospital! That is supposed to cover the states whole popultion! There is only Flinders left that can take them and they too are limited in space, and sadly if the beds arent there then the care and resources are stretched to their limits. More funding is needed to help these babies, because these are the babies that need saving!
All I could do was look at those posters and think to myself ignorance is bliss because these people who are part of these groups, I can only imagine how they would be hard pressed to ever find themselves in the position where they are faced with this terrible choice.
I just had to add here that I raised this at my last SANDS group meet because there are women there who have made the decision to have medical terminations due to fetal diagnosis incompatable with life. They totally understood my feelings. They get it! Then there was a woman whose little boy lived with an incompatable with life condition for 3 weeks and she has recieved judgment from people who cruelly have said that if they were in that position they would have choosen termination. Sounds like a very innocent comment but the comment that was made without going into detail was extremely cruel and hurtful. I also heard on the grapevine a family member who commented on how I was silly to have not taken the opportunity to terminate Connor. Well talking with women who have been there, we came to the conclusion it doesnt matter what our decision is, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you dont! Those making judgements are just lucky they have never and probably never will have to face that choice and can go home and sleep peacefully at night.
Ahhhhhhhhh....that felt good to get that out!
Something that really bugged me the other day that I feel compelled to write about. There is an upcoming election in SA. I managed to escape the fact that it was happening by hiding behind that lovely big fence around my house. But this week I had to leave to make the trek over the other side of town, which in itself was quite scarey because i am no longer used to that heavy traffic. Well as I made my way down several arterial roads I see all the "vote for me" signs. Normally these signs dont bug me and Tim and I usually have a laugh at some of the ridiculous catch phrases they have. I'm already completely over the ads on tv, especially the "Isobel Redman IS ready". Right! Ok, that made a huge difference to my day! Thanks! So the signs, there was one particular group that had two different signs that made me really freak. I found them so highly offensive I have not been able to stop thinking about them. It was by an anti-abortion group. One had a picture of a fetus shattered and the other had a 6 month-ish old baby lying down holding an adults finger and it had the wording "help save babies".
I have several problems with this. Firstly NO ONE has the right to judge a woman for this choice, and no one has the right to take this choice away. There are many reasons why an abortion may occur. It could be an unwanted pregnancy, could be a result of rape and then it could also be for a medical termination. The repercussions of removing the choice to have a termination is enormous! It would also further impact on the already strained socio-economic groups in those that have unwanted pregnancies and are forced to continue with the pregnancy to adopt or foster out, or worse face them to go underground and risk their own lives by seeing dodgy Drs in it for the money. Of course there is the argument that a life is a life and there are people out there who cant have babies and we should all just give those babies to the childless couples. Okay, then think about those unwanted children and how they feel about being adopted/fostered, I can only imagine. My dad was adopted and I can tell you how he was treated has a rippling affect. These are just my rambling thoughts, and I understand that others opinions will be different. We are all entitled to have our opinions right? Its a free country right? And we all have the right to make a choice, right? The day someone takes that choice away we become a communist country!
The main issue I have with taking away the right to choose an abortion is the fact that it would take away from the right to have a medical termination, and unless YOU are ever faced with that position YOU have no right to criticise someone for their choice. It is never a decision that is made lightly, and it is an extremely difficult time. I was always always completely dead against it and said I would always accept my lot in life. But when we recieved the diagnosis that Connor had an extremely severe heart defect, we were offered the choice of a termination. I can tell you everyone had their two cents worth to say about it, even down to the judgmental comments of "I didnt think you would be that sort of person". Okay!!!! Thanks for that! What I am saying is you never know how you are going to react or how you are going to feel when faced with this decision, and unless you have ever been in this position you can never understand the emotions of how it feels to be given that choice. Its all about risks.
During this time that I was faced with these risks and recieving my judgment from the all high and mighty people who speak so freely as if it just rolls off their tongue, I actually had a break down as a result and was taken to womans assessment at the hospital. I was being assessed to see if I was at risk of harming myself. Yes, I was extremely close to just wanting to end it all. Being told that your unborn babys heart is so broken that the chances of him surviving are very very low, but also being told HOW they would perform a medical termination. And at 23 weeks, that was not going to be pretty. That is something I would have to live with for the rest of my life. Have a termination and end my babys suffering, or give him a chance at life knowing that the chances of survival are very very slim. There didnt seem to be anyway out really and either way I was going to face the death of my baby. Because they wouldnt give us a definate answer, and say there is no hope. Then I picked myself up and said fight it. I would give it my all and fight for my babys life. It all seemed so worth it shortly after Connors birth when they said he was doing so well considering the condition and size of his heart. Then we recieved that phone call at 7am the next morning. I had to wake Tim to answer it and I can still see the expression on his face when the Dr told him to get ready and come down asap, they could no longer stabilise our little fighter and he was going to lose his life.
People tell me I should be grateful for the 25 hours I had with him knowing that others dont get even that. I am so grateful that I did get to hold him and look into his eyes, even if it was for only 2 minutes. But no, 25 hours is not enough for me.....it never will be, and I will always wish for more.
So you see THAT is why I find those posters so offensive. They talk about "saving babies lives", about saving the unborn from an unwanted life, or a life of pain and agony when that money and resources could be better off being poured into the Womens and Childrens Hospital and helping babies like Connor. The ventilator he was on was over 20 years old and sounded like a volkswagon. They had only 2 ventilators available and even these couldnt help support his breathing. He was slipping in and out of unconcsiousness and was dying as his lactate levels built up in his tiny little body shutting down every organ before it even had the chance to start functioning. What if a better newer ventilator could have made the difference? The hospital is also so small that the NICU was full and there was no choice but to send him to PICU, the Peadiatric Intensive Care Unit. Two ladies in my SANDS group had premature babies and were sent to Flinders Hospital over the other side of town because NICU at WCH was also full at the time of their babies birth. I believe the hospital can only house around half a dozen or so neonates in intensive care, and that is for a major hospital! That is supposed to cover the states whole popultion! There is only Flinders left that can take them and they too are limited in space, and sadly if the beds arent there then the care and resources are stretched to their limits. More funding is needed to help these babies, because these are the babies that need saving!
All I could do was look at those posters and think to myself ignorance is bliss because these people who are part of these groups, I can only imagine how they would be hard pressed to ever find themselves in the position where they are faced with this terrible choice.
I just had to add here that I raised this at my last SANDS group meet because there are women there who have made the decision to have medical terminations due to fetal diagnosis incompatable with life. They totally understood my feelings. They get it! Then there was a woman whose little boy lived with an incompatable with life condition for 3 weeks and she has recieved judgment from people who cruelly have said that if they were in that position they would have choosen termination. Sounds like a very innocent comment but the comment that was made without going into detail was extremely cruel and hurtful. I also heard on the grapevine a family member who commented on how I was silly to have not taken the opportunity to terminate Connor. Well talking with women who have been there, we came to the conclusion it doesnt matter what our decision is, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you dont! Those making judgements are just lucky they have never and probably never will have to face that choice and can go home and sleep peacefully at night.
Ahhhhhhhhh....that felt good to get that out!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thank-you to some very special friends
I am really lucky that I do have some special friends in my life. I am sad to say though, I havent exactly been a social butterfly the last 8 or 9 months though. I have been quite a bad friend really! I havent had contact with a lot of my friends, even when they make the effort, I find it too hard to speak.
I have a friend who has been wanting to catch up for the last few months and she came to visit and have a cuppa with me recently. Her and a whole bunch of girls from a forum had got together to do something that just blew me away. They had got together and had a professional collage done of some of Connors photos that I have on Facebook. To the dear lady and her husband who went to great lengths to put it together...thank-you. It is truly truly beautiful. It is just amazing!!! These were the same girls who all got together and raised $250 and donated to Heartkids SA in Connors memory shortly after he died. The kindness and generosity of my friends, keep in mind these are my internet friends who I had met through a forum. So I wanted to say to those girls thank-you so much, I havent been back to this forum in a very long time, I apologise for being so neglectful. But what you did for us was truly beautiful and both Tim and I love it and appreciate your kindness and all your kind and caring words. I am lucky to have such kind and caring friends. Thank-you for being my friends xxx
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tears in Heaven
At some point in my day, everyday, there are tears. Its when something happens that jolts me back to reality. I have moments where I can forget about who I am and what has happened to me.....and then it all comes flooding back. That was this afternoon. Isla was crying and very upset about something, so I lifted Connors talking V-tech Baby down that we bought him for Christmas when I was pregnant. We had decided to keep it and have it sitting with his things in the lounge room on the cabinet so we can see them everyday. I lifted it down for Isla which seemed to stop the crying. I turned it on. It laughed and said "I love you". Its basically a stuffed doll that randomly spits out pre-recorded sayings and songs. So for it to say I love you first, yes I know its random, but to me it was special and went straight to the heart. Then Deacon came over and asked if it was Connor's. Deacon is still very confused and I often wonder how much he is actually taking in, keeping in mind he only just turned four years old a little over a month ago. Especially as for the most part if I mention Connor he puts his hands over his ears and doesnt want to listen. Or he will say "I want a new baby.....not a broken one either!" Poor little guy! So at his question, was it Connors? I said Yes. His response was "How are we going to get it to him if he's in heaven? Who is going to take it to him?" At that I had no answer, only tears.
This song was played at Connor's funeral. Tim choose it and it was played as he carried his son's casket to the waiting hearse. I later found out that Eric Clapton wrote it after the death of his own son also named Connor.
This song was played at Connor's funeral. Tim choose it and it was played as he carried his son's casket to the waiting hearse. I later found out that Eric Clapton wrote it after the death of his own son also named Connor.
Tears In Heaven
Eric Clapton
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please
Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Its so quiet
Monday would have been Connor's 4 month birthday. I can not believe he would have been a whole 4 months old! Then Tuesday marks that it was 4 whole months since he died. His anniversaries come and go so quietly. Its heartbreaking that to others these days mean nothing. They come and go without a thought, without a word ever being uttered to us from family. It always makes me think Connors anniversaries are always so still and silent just like his death. And every one cuts like a knife to my heart, just like his death. I spoke with my psychiatrist today. Yes I still see the psych, and NOOOO I am not a nut bag. She was asigned to us when we received Connors diagnosis, and this is routine with serious fetal diagnosis in major hospitals. Anyway, talking with the shrink and her theory is that of-course Connor will never have that same impact on others as he does with us. They didnt met him, they didnt see him, they didnt hold him, they didnt feel him, they didnt carry him for 9 months, they didnt make all their plans around him like I did. And yes, I understand how this could be.....but what I am asking for is some room for me to grieve. How long is a piece of string? I dont know how long I am going to grieve for. I dont know how long I am going to be broken for. I dont know how long this Dead Baby Flu will last. It freaking sucks! I never asked for this to happen to me. I dont see myself as an over the top sad person either. I hate being this way!
I have tried hard to remember where my happiness came from. I remember feeling so unbelievably lucky to fall pregnant so quickly with Connor. He was to be our last baby. He was the one we were buying the bigger car for. The one we were selling up and buying a bigger house for. All our plans revolved around him. I had plans to go back to work after he was one. The day all those plans fell through are as clear to me as the events of this afternoon. Before then, I used to think myself so lucky. I was lucky to be given the opportunity to study and go to University. I remember walking up the path to Uni thinking how lucky I was and how much I was enjoying my course. I remember the feeling of driving to work on my first day of the job, thinking how lucky I was to have been given the opportunity to work in my desired field. I remember on my wedding day taking a moment to myself to stop and look around at all the guests who had come to our wedding to celebrate our love and commitment to each other. I have so many events in my life that I would never change, not for one second. They make me who I am today, and I feel truly blessed to have been able to experience them. But now I am at a point in my life where I feel empty and I look at this woman in the mirror and she is not the same person I saw this time last year. I see a stranger. I physically look different. I feel different on the inside.
I need some space to grieve. I'm not over my sons death, I cant just talk about the weather or have some idle chit chat conversation. A huge thing has happened in my life. I was pregnant for most of last year. I had a baby. And I held him in my arms. And he died. Dont rush me, dont push me because I wont bend......I will break. I am human and I need to grieve.
I have tried hard to remember where my happiness came from. I remember feeling so unbelievably lucky to fall pregnant so quickly with Connor. He was to be our last baby. He was the one we were buying the bigger car for. The one we were selling up and buying a bigger house for. All our plans revolved around him. I had plans to go back to work after he was one. The day all those plans fell through are as clear to me as the events of this afternoon. Before then, I used to think myself so lucky. I was lucky to be given the opportunity to study and go to University. I remember walking up the path to Uni thinking how lucky I was and how much I was enjoying my course. I remember the feeling of driving to work on my first day of the job, thinking how lucky I was to have been given the opportunity to work in my desired field. I remember on my wedding day taking a moment to myself to stop and look around at all the guests who had come to our wedding to celebrate our love and commitment to each other. I have so many events in my life that I would never change, not for one second. They make me who I am today, and I feel truly blessed to have been able to experience them. But now I am at a point in my life where I feel empty and I look at this woman in the mirror and she is not the same person I saw this time last year. I see a stranger. I physically look different. I feel different on the inside.
I need some space to grieve. I'm not over my sons death, I cant just talk about the weather or have some idle chit chat conversation. A huge thing has happened in my life. I was pregnant for most of last year. I had a baby. And I held him in my arms. And he died. Dont rush me, dont push me because I wont bend......I will break. I am human and I need to grieve.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I have DEAD BABY FLU
Yes, you read correctly. I now officially have dead baby flu. And apparently its quite common. I now belong to an exclusive club, we are all the parents of dead babys. Sounds harsh doesnt it? But its reality. In the community of these parents the term "Dead Baby Flu" has been used many times. And it is so sad that we now have a term for this "condition" that we have. The flu part comes from the fact that people dont wish to share their news with you, good or bad. It all seems to by pass us like we are some kind of leper. Like we might curl up in a ball in front of them and start fitting with seizures. They say they are "protecting us" but to me its so selfish because they are only protecting themselves, they dont want to feel uncomfortable. Well.....I'm so sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable. Its not my fault! I didnt choose this for my life. So GET OVER IT! Is it so hard to talk to us? They dont even want to come near us little lone talk to us. I've had people email me and text me offering to catch-up or visit but when I have seen them face to face, they cant even talk to me. And they wonder why we dont go out, why we dont participate in social gatherings. Because their inability to get over their own feeling of uncomfortable has destroyed every inch of humanity we had left. There are very very few people I feel comfortable with. There are two mums who have small babies, one very close in age to Connor and I am so proud of myself that I have got over that hurdle and can talk to her and talk to her baby. The reason I can do this is because she treats me with dignity and respect. I am so proud of her for sticking by me. I know that people like her are true and genuine. And they make my load a little lighter, they make my day a little brighter.
There is a quote from a book that I have found to be so so very true. Its about the rule of thirds.
There is a quote from a book that I have found to be so so very true. Its about the rule of thirds.
“Keep in mind the rule of thirds: one-third of your friends will be supportive of your need to mourn, one-third will make you feel worse, and one-third will neither help nor hinder."
--From Alan D. Wolfelt, Healing A Parent’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Child Dies
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